Overdue

I haven't wrote anything on here in a really long time and just need some venting time. Today was a very hard day for me because it was the last time I will ever be allowed in my grandmas house, the place I grew up in. It is a very difficult situation having to give something like that up and it brought back the memory of the day that she died almost a year ago. My grandma was one of the most genuine, caring, loving, people I knew. She is proof to me that God only takes the best and he had to break our heart in order to prove that..

I remember the day like it was yesterday. I woke up that sunny Friday morning ready for a fun filled day at the lake with my best friends.  Were all sitting on the couch just chatting away and my phone goes off, its Mom. I answer the phone and when I do, I hear panic in her voice. I slowly make my way to my room and in my gut know that something isn’t right. I reach my door and creak it open ever so slowly as I ask her whats wrong. She says the word “meme” and I completely lose control of my body. I don’t know how I got there but all of a sudden I am on the floor next to my bed, screaming. It feels like my heart was ripped right out of my body and I couldn’t breathe. I give the phone to my friend and she talks to my mom. A million thoughts run through my head, this cant be happening, oh please just let this all be a dream; more like my worst nightmare. The thought always came through my head every once in awhile, what if meme were to die? And the thought itself was so painful that I would push it out of my head as fast as it could. The only difference this time is that I couldn’t push that thought, because it was real life. I don’t remember too much of that day, I know I just stayed in my room sobbing, packing, and talking on the phone. All I wanted was to see her again and not in the way that I was going to in the next couple of days. My cousin picked me up from school. The car ride consisted of us saying over and over how we couldn’t believe that she was gone and family stories of memories that made my heart hurt even more. I wasn’t ready for this, it took me by complete surprise just like a storm brewing across the ocean and it didn’t blow over, it completely destroyed me. I got home and as soon as I saw my mom I started crying again, asking why this happened, how could this happen? I went to bed that night with tears flooding my pillowcase and tried to dream of happier days.

I don’t know if I’m ready for this, to see her like that. I cant not go in, but I need to be there for my family and to honor her. The overwhelming smell of flowers hit my nostals as I walked in the room. I turned to my right and there right in front of me was my worst nightmare and I screamed. She lay so perfectly still and so beautiful, so peaceful. And normally you would say, “now shes in peace, in happiness, not hurting anymore.” Except for the fact that she never spent a day in the hospital and she was out playing cards with her friends the night before. I just was ready to wake up, I had, enough. But it was a continuous nightmare that I would never wake up from. She was really gone. My grandma, my best friend. Such a life to take, a generous heart stopped beating, and our souls broke in the process 

 

Meme was taken from us so sudden and so quick. It was and still is like it never happened. This is the first time I am actually expressing my feelings about her death. It stings, and it makes me feel numb whenever I think about it, because to me it’s like she’s on vacation and she’s just gonna walk through the door and say “Hey guys! I’m back!” in her little high pitched, fun voice. Oh how I miss that. I’ve asked time and time again, why her? Why now? She was in such good health, so happy.. why did she have to be taken from us so quickly? I don’t have an answer to any of those questions and my heart still wrestles with the fact that she is not here anymore. But I can say that I know its going to take some time for me to let her go. She was a huge part of many peoples lives and mine. She was our rock, our foundation, our best friend. 

Death is something we all go through, its just apart of life, and its a sucky part at that. I never really realized what impact death could have on me until I lost someone so close to me. It has taught me that this is something that I'm not going to just get over in a couple days, or months, or even years. And in fact I probably never really will get over it. But it is also teaching me how precious life really is, and puts in perspective the things that should be important to me. 

One of the things that my grandma taught me is that Family is everything. Family is the most important thing, its what makes life worth while. Family is always there for you not matter what, through thick and thin and without it you really have nothing. I will never forget that and even though she is no longer here on earth with us, her presence still lives inside me and I hope to one day be half the women she was and still is<3 

RIP MEME. I'll love you, forever.  

"You will always be apart of me, as long as I live"<3